Furniture Makeovers~

You probably know that I have an eclectic decorating style and I like to mix styles too.  You may also know that I love incorporating antique pieces into my mix and I also get a kick out of rescuing or repurposing old pieces.  And you probably also know that I love adding punches of bright color here and there.

And my girls, by default (and sometimes by Mom's overriding decisions) have embraced some of my style :)

We let the girls pick their own room colors last summer (as long as Steve and I liked the colors too) and we got their rooms painted last summer.  Bella's room is light turquoise and Sophia chose apple green.  Luckily, Bella didn't have any pieces that she wanted painted or needed to be redone in order to use.  Since then, I've been slowly getting parts of Sophia's room to come together by repainting and repurposing some furniture.

Sophia had a tall highboy dresser that had been mine when I first moved out of my parent's home.  It was a great piece, but it was tall and she couldn't reach half the drawers...we were just making it work until we could get this beast redone.

It wasn't in the greatest shape~

Transformation has begun~

Steve and I rescued this piece from the garbage.  Yep, our neighbor in PA had put it out on the curb for the garbage men to haul off.  We asked if we could have it and happily brought it home to live in our garage...I LOVE FREE FURNITURE!  We moved it to TX and finally, this past spring, I began the process of making it pretty and useable for our sweet Sophia.

It's not a perfect piece...had some damage to a drawer that my hot handyman, Steve, was able to fix.  It needed new hardware, and still has some bumps and bruises...but this baby is solid wood and all dovetail joints...it's really a beautiful piece.  I knew that the condition it was in meant that I was not going to be stripping it and staining it...I was definitely NOT interested in that kind of work...so it got painted instead.  

I cleaned it the best I could, sanded it, put a couple coats of primer on it, and then painted it.  One thing I was not prepared for was how many coats of paint it needed.  We chose a favorite shade of white (Moonlight White by Behr) and decided to add an accent color that would compliment Sophia's green walls...Glazed Raspberry (by Behr) is what we chose.  Some of the original hardware was broken, so I let Sophia pick out new knobs and pulls.  She also picked out a stencil that I added to the side.  

Progress~

The project was a bigger pain than I had anticipated and I learned that I am no good at stenciling.  You don't get a close up of the cute bird stencil because it looks like I did it after a couple glasses of wine...come to think of it, I should have celebrated with a glass or two after this was done :)  But I really love the finished piece...and so does Sophia :)

LOVE the finished dresser...the colors are so pretty in her green room!

Late this summer I began the project of turning this old desk hutch into a book and display shelf for Sophia.  

 

Just starting the primer...no shelves added yet~

We bought this poor ugly thing at a thrift store last summer for $20...I knew I could bring it new life!  It had a glossy finish and even though I tried to use a liquid furniture stripper, I could barely get the original paint to degloss....I'm sure it was user error, but it was frustrating.  So I gave this piece many coats of primer too and then many coats of paint.  

I love how this piece turned out, but I may never do a project quite like this again.  See those little mail slots (remember, it's a desk hutch)...they were a PAIN to paint!  I had to get a special short handled brush and could only paint two interior sides at a time because the brush handle would touch the side opposite where I was painting.  Seriously, what was I thinking!  And painting the accent color was a bit trickier than I had anticipated also.  I finally just got tired of painting...my solution for painting the furniture feet was to just dip them in the paint can :)

I got tired of painting...dipping worked~

Steve, my hot handyman, added two shelves...the bottom and middle ones.  And he added the cute little painted ball feet...and voila, Sophia has a new bookshelf :) 

The finished piece...ready for Sophia's room~

Steve is moving it upstairs tonight...Sophia will be so happy to have a place for some of her things again :)  And I'm so happy that I'm done with painting projects for a while :)

Here's to a little hard work, a lot of painting, and a bit of creativity~

Rach

Getting Back To It~

I've missed writing, recording, documenting...I didn't mean to neglect my blog...and my thoughts...and just generally recording life.  Looking back, I think I just got a bit overwhelmed with our move to Texas and then got into the habit of not writing as much...and there are a few other things I've been focusing my time and energy on as well. 

And let's face it...life is busy...but I'm tired of that excuse...because, that's all it is...an excuse.  Everyone's busy to some extent.
 
Well, I've decided to pursue more writing and blogging again.  Especially in light of this interesting article about writers.

I've been thinking about busyness a lot lately as I read this book, Crazy Busy by Kevin DeYoung.  I'm also reading a couple books on prayer that dovetail nicely with the themes in this book.  

As I've been reflecting on the pattern of busyness in my life, I've become convinced that not having enough time is not as big a problem as how I manage the time I do have.  It's back to that simple, but true, example of an empty jar and various rocks, gravel, and sand that represents a day and the things we must and want to accomplish.  This great visual requires the bigger, more important, "rocks" to be put in before the rest can be filled with gravel and sand.  If the little stuff goes in first, there will not be enough room for the more important things.  It's such an easy concept...but can be hard to put into practice.

I was also struck by the simplicity and power of a truth I found in D. A. Carson's book, A Call To Spiritual Reformation...one of the books on prayer I mentioned earlier.  Are you ready for it?  

Much praying is not done because we do not plan to pray.

There it is...so very, very, very simple...yet so very, very, very true!  And as I read more about this truth in his book, I was struck by how true it is for anything that I consider important.

Much Bible study is not done because we do not plan to study.
Much serving of others is not done because we do not plan to serve.
Much exercising is not done because we do not plan to exercise.
Much writing is not done because we do not plan to write. 
Much reading is not done because we do not plan to read.
Much playing with our kids is not done because we do not plan to play.
Much relationship building is not done because we do not plan to pursue friendships.
Much healthy eating is not done because we do not plan to eat healthy.
Much pursuit of dreams is not done because we do not plan to pursue.

What is important to me?  How do I want to be spending my time?  What absolutely requires my attention?  What areas of interest do I want to find more time for?  Who do I want to be spending my time with?  

These are the types of questions I've been thinking a lot about lately.  I rarely (maybe never) feel like I have all the time I want, so obviously I must prioritize. 

As a home schooler, lots of my time is spent planning, preparing, teaching, tutoring, and grading.  Grading...let me just interject that I'm only grading for 2 students and I find it tedious, time consuming, and loathsome...my teacher friends have even more of my respect for the stacks of student papers and tests they keep up with.  Anyway, school takes up tremendous amounts of my time.  Teaching our kids at home is something Steve and I feel led to do by our Lord and, while it can be hard, we love it and don't foresee a change at this time...although there are days that I find myself open to boarding school ;)

Caring for my family and our home requires a lot of my time and energy.  We all know it's not easy...I have yet to meet any wife or mom who is able to spend time on the couch eating bonbons.  I've also come to the point where I just have to be okay with some things not being as orderly as I like...plus I'm blessed with 3 kids, one of whom is an energetic, feisty 3 year old...need I say more?

But these are things that most of us can relate to...work, school, family, home.  

Where is God in all this?  Do I just "fit Him in" where I can?  Is that how I want my relationship with my Lord to be...just "fitting Him in"?  What does God think of my other areas of interest? How do I find time for very important things? 

For me, He's in my blessing to be a wife and mom and in my call to home school...He surrounds those things and all the other aspects of my life.  As a Christian, I believe my Lord is with me in all these areas.  Yet, I am acutely aware that I want more...more and deeper prayer, more time spent in His word, deeper relationship with Him.

I want more of my God.

I thank God for this desire for more...I know it's from Him...because left to myself, I'd just fritter away the time I do have.

And what about the other things on my list?  More writing, more time for friends, more art projects, more exercising?  God is helping me "make a plan".  He is showing me where I do have time, where I can save time by organizing, and where to "create" time.  And to be honest, I'm simply choosing to be more purposeful with the "spare moments" I do have.  

He's also showing me some things that might not get as much attention as I'd like...some areas of interest where some sacrificing needs to take place.  I want to be doing what He wants me to be doing and I believe that He will continue to lead me and reveal things to me as I spend time with Him.  I believe He has a plan and a purpose and I want to be where He intends.

"For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11  

I imagine you've heard this verse before.  It's a great verse and it is true, but it's often quoted with an encouraging emphasis on the latter part of the verse, which states "...plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  But I've been considering the beginning of the verse...God does know the plans He has for me.  He has purposeful plans.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."  Ephesians 2: 10

More promise of God's intentional and purposeful plans...I'm thankful for this truth from God's Word.  

Now, before you think I've got it all figured out and I'm ready to write the next bestseller about time management, just know that I don't...far from it...don't ask me how long it's been since I mopped (or vacuumed, for that matter)...floors are NOT my favorite!  

Getting up earlier (than I'd like) is one area where I've been able to "create" time...my alarm goes off at 5:30 and I'm usually up before 6...c'mon, you hit the snooze button too :)  The earlier mornings are still hard for me (I've never been a "morning person" and I may never be ...hence my obsession with coffee!).  But, by the grace of God, I do see progress.  

I also see wisdom in not over planning...in not packing my days so full that if even one unexpected thing pops up, then something else has to go...because my sad default has been to spend less time with my Lord when that happens.  Kevin DeYoung calls it planning with margin...with room for the unexpected.  I'll admit, it's a bit hard for me to 'plan with margin' because it somewhat feels like I'm not planning all my time well...but it still helpful to me as it causes me to consider again what is important, what MUST be included, and what can be pushed back.  So, the goal is not necessarily to accomplish more, it's to be mindful of the truly important and purposeful with the time I do have...and the strange thing is that I am actually "accomplishing" more as I get better at caring for my time.

And I still totally enjoy down time...as a matter of fact, I think I enjoy it more than I used to.

Here's to getting back to the basics, here's to a plan, here's to more of the truly important~
Rach

My Grandpa~

My Grandpa is very ill and will not be with us much longer~

*My Grandpa passed away soon after I posted this.*

I never lived near my Mom's parents...they lived in California and I was an Air Force kid living all over the place.  

I did not grow up spending lots of time with my Grandpa Stewart...but that does not mean I don't have wonderful memories of my Grandpa...he is a man I love~

I thought it appropriate to share one of my most favorite experiences with my Grandpa.

Steve and I with my Grandpa Stewart, our honeymoon, Alcatraz Island~

Steve and I got married in 1998 and chose to honeymoon in California.  We spent a few days enjoying the wonderful city of San Francisco before enjoying some more days in Yosemite.  

One of those fabulous days in San Fran was spent going to Alcatraz Island...with my Grandpa and my aunts Amy and Julia and cousins Stewart and Jenna.  When you go to Alcatraz with my Grandpa, you get the Royal Treatment...a very personal tour with your own park ranger and you get to do things the average visitor doesn't get to do.

You see, my Grandpa lived on Alcatraz Island when he was a kid.  

My Great Grandfather was a prison guard on The Rock and his family lived there with him...along with lots of other "guard families".  The families lived in an apartment building there on the island and the kids took a ferry back to the mainland every day to go to school...catching the ferry was pretty important...it's not like missing the bus :)

Alcatraz Island and ferry boat~

When we went to Alcatraz, we were escorted around the island by a park ranger...I enjoy learning from rangers, but seriously, I think this guy learned more from my Grandpa :)
 

Telling us a story about life on The Rock~

Alcatraz is fascinating and even the "regular" tour is super interesting...the prison, learning about some of the infamous prisoners, the still unsolved prison escape...but my favorite place to visit is the apartment where my Grandpa lived.  

The apartment building is in a sad state of decay and is not open to regular visitors.  But, oh boy, it is fascinating!  It's like experiencing a piece of history frozen in time...still filled with old stoves and claw foot bathtubs, peeling paint and antique architecture.  My Grandpa led us to the apartment he used to live in and proceeded to explain where things used to be and who lived nearby.  My Grandpa is a great storyteller...it's super fun to watch and hear him tell the stories about his time on Alcatraz.
 

The storyteller~

Antique wardrobe still in the apartment and a super cool fireplace, my cousin Stewart and Aunt Amy too~

Old bathroom in my Grandpa's old apartment~

Old stove...tried to imagine my Great Grandma cooking on it~

I heard stories about him catching the ferry, experiencing lock down in his home during a prison break, and a sad story about his friend's dad (also a guard) who was killed during a prison break.  And with a twinkle in his eye, he also told us about his first kiss...sitting under this window in the stairwell of his apartment building with a pretty girl :)

First kiss window~

It was a wonderful day...spent with wonderful family.  A day I am especially thankful for as I wait for news of my Grandpa...his time with us is short, but his life is long and fascinating.  I love you, Grandpa~

Rach

A Lego Story~

Both of my big girls love Legos...they enjoy regular Legos and the sets that are more "girly".  

It seems that there's some concern right now about the color of "girl" Legos and how they're marketed to young ladies...seriously, I think there are bigger issues than making a big deal about girls playing with pink Legos.  I would even venture to say that if you're buying Legos for your kids to play with over, let's say ANOTHER VIDEO GAME, then you're doing okay.  I don't think the color inhibits their creativity or the building skills they get to use when working and having fun.

Okay, rant over...now back to why I'm blogging about Legos.

My parents bought Isabella a big Lego set last Christmas.  It was the Lego Emporium and the thing that really caught Bella's attention, other than how cool it is, was the 16+ label on the box.  She's 11 and the thought of conquering a project that was maybe for someone older was a perfect challenge for her :)

Bella loves to create and build.  I wish I had taken a picture of the marble maze she built using 4 different sets of toys...it was impressive and it worked!

She cleared the dining room table and systematically began working on the emporium.  She was determined to do it herself...neither Steve nor myself helped her at all.  She worked on it for a few hours for two afternoons and then finished the final touches the following morning.  It was pretty interesting to watch her work...she was focused and determined and having fun.  She would call us back to check it out every now and then...glad I documented the progress.

This baby is impressive...lots of cool details.

Ready to begin~

The first story...ready to add the escalator~

Inside view of the first story...a clothing store complete with window displays~

Yes, the revolving door works~

The second story is complete~

Escalator and inside view of the china shop~

This elegant Lego chandelier is inside the china shop~

The finished emporium!  Complete with outdoor ice cream vendor, a window washer, and a billboard on top~

 Great job Bella!  Wonder which one she'll tackle next?

Have fun building and playing~
Rach

Family Room Curtains~

Another hard hitting post about drop cloth curtains!

We moved into our new house last January :)

I'm a bit slower than I would like in getting everything settled...but I am getting around to more of the decorating that makes this house our home.

I recently got the curtains up in our family room...and I love them...I simply love them.

New curtains~

I wanted the curtains in our family to room to feel light and airy...I didn't want them to limit the light...yet they had to cover large windows.  I turned, once again, to drop cloths...yes, drop cloths...the kind used in painting...yes, the kind you get at a home improvement store.  And most importantly...yes, the kind that only cost $10.98 per large panel at Lowe's :)

These "linen" curtains are made from a 9 x 6 drop cloth.  I washed them, ironed them, sewed a rod pocket, and hung them on the rods that Steve made for me.  Yep, Steve made the rods using electrical conduit and attaching my antique glass doorknobs as the rod finials.  If you're interested in how to make your own inexpensive and very cool rods, you can read about how he did it here.  Steve, you're awesome!!!  And I love you!!!

The walls and the curtains are almost the same color...generally it's not my style to have this much neutrality...but those walls are big and it will be a long while before they get any paint.  I knew I wanted to bring a touch of color to the curtains and a touch of boho style as well.  My Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so I showed her online the kind of thing I wanted to use as tie-backs for my curtains and she found these perfect silk bird fabric hangers at World Market...I mean, they are P.E.R.F.E.C.T!  They are even better than what I had originally showed her and envisioned when I thought about these curtains.  She also found the bells at World Market and I love the extra interest they add :)  Thanks, Mom...they make the curtains!

I love the colors~

I tucked the pleats into the tie backs and simply pinned them in place~

Boho bells~

Gypsy style~

Antique doorknob finial and gypsy bells~

Also, do you like my tall turquoise-ish shutter against the wall?  It's part of a folding door that Steve and I bought at an antique shop in Pittsboro, NC way back when we were first married.  Supposedly, it came from an old hotel ballroom from somewhere in the Shenandoah Valley.  I've been dragging them around with us every time we've moved and now they finally have a place in our home.  I say "they" because I have another one that I'm going to put in the entry way.  Those babies are 9 feet tall...it's nice to finally be able to display them :)  The wall that the shutter rests against is opposite the antique windows Steve and I hung last summer...they complement each other nicely.

Perfectly distressed by age and weather~

You know I love the old hardware~

As a funny side note...we had nowhere to store these tall doors at our little rental house in PA.  They were too big to fit down the stairs to the basement and we already had so much stuff stored against all the walls that they had to stay outside stacked against the house for 8 months until we moved.  They were already distressed by age, but the weather perfected the distressed look...so no, I have not done one thing to distress them.  

Our ceiling in our little cape cod we purchased in PA was only 7 1/2 feet tall...it was built in 1951 after all.  There was nowhere for the doors to be displayed.  I thought about turning them into shelves, but they are pretty heavy...plus I would have had to cut them because we didn't have any walls that were long enough.  At least we had a garage now, so they got stored away from the weather :)  That little house had some nice mid-century charm as well as some quirks.  I grew to really like that house, but I am enjoying having more space in this home.

Anyhoo...back to the window treatments.

Here's the approximate cost breakdown...because I love a bargain:

Rod hardware to hang.............$4
Electrical conduit.....................$1.50
Antique glass doorknobs.........$10 per pair
9 x 6 drop cloth........................$11
Fabric tie-backs.......................$7
Gypsy bells..............................$10
Hook to hold tie-back...............$1.50

Grand total per window...approximately $45 ($17 of the total for the bells and tie-back)...not bad, not bad at all :)

What will the next project be?  I have some ideas...

Rach

52 Weeks of Fasting~

I have prayed about writing about this.

I really had to consider my motivation(s) in telling this little story.  

My prayer is that you, dear friend or family reading this, will be inspired...not by me, but by the Lord. 

Why am I concerned about the content of this post?  Because some may see it as boastful...am I giving myself a pat on the back?  Do I want a pat on the back from others for sharing this?  Am I seeking the praise of men that the Scriptures warn us to be careful of?  Is it humble to share a way that God has grown me spiritually?  Is there a way to share a "spiritual success" in a humble way?  Is this a humblebrag...I don't intend for it to be.

I thought about people who encourage me spiritually.  I thought about mentors and friends who inspire me, about personal testimonies I've heard and how encouraging they can be, and authors whose books and blogs I read that draw me closer to my Lord.   How do they do this?  They share life...they share things that God has called them to do and how He enabled them to do it.  I am blessed when God uses others to grow me.

I hope that is how this post is used...I pray you are encouraged...not by me, but by my Lord. 

Matthew 5: 16
"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

A year ago, Steve and I began fasting once a week, usually on Fridays.  We began fasting for our friends...David was fighting cancer and Angie, his wife, was walking through it with him. We fasted and prayed for his life and for his wife and their four young children.

Our friend lived in Pennsylvania and we were far away in Texas.  We were part of an online group of friends and family...getting updates on our friend's condition, treatments, how his family was doing.  But it was hard to be far away when you want to do something tangible, practical...prepare a meal, care for the kids, be with the prayer groups who gathered.  Many of us fasted at different times during our friend's illness...at one time, collectively, I think we had almost round the clock fasting and praying.

I have never been much of a "faster".  In all honesty, it was rarely talked about at some of the churches I attended.  And the few people I knew who fasted seemed like "elite" Christians.  Now, let's be clear, my friends who fast never behaved that way...that was just my impression based on my own inability to comprehend willingly going without food for a specific amount of time or purpose.  I never really considered it as a spiritual discipline I was interested in exploring further.

I read a book about spiritual practices and disciplines when I lived in PA ...it was one of the first times I ever had teaching on fasting (that I can remember) and it began my willingness to be at least open to fasting.  The author did not believe that fasting was for "the days of old" and, therefore, Christians no longer needed to fast...instead, he taught that fasting is a spiritual discipline and should be practiced even in our modern day.  The author also made me aware that it wasn't for the "spiritually elite" as I had assumed.  

However, I still did not really embrace fasting as a discipline for me to do often.  I fasted a couple of times for a meal or part of a day when our church organized some times of prayer and fasting...but that's about it.

When Steve and I began fasting weekly for our friends, (others joined us in our weekly fasts too) it was at a desperate time for him and his family and it was in response to a call to fast for our friend.  The cancer was very aggressive and his time this side of heaven looked short.  He passed away three months later.  

We felt led to continue fasting for our friend who was now a young widow...and for their children who had to say goodbye to their daddy at such a young age.

So our Friday fasts continued...and they still continue today.  This past Friday marked 52 weeks.

Every now and then we adjusted our "fasting schedule" to accommodate other plans.  Sometimes that meant we fasted through breakfast and lunch, but stopped our fast at dinnertime...I did that once because a retreat I was part of began with dinner on Friday.  I chose to fast earlier in the week during Thanksgiving because, well, the day after Thanksgiving is when you eat leftover turkey sandwiches...plus we were in Albuquerque hanging out with family :)  

But the norm for us was to fast the entire day.

I also have some confessions about fasting, though.  There were many, many times when it just seemed really hard to fast.  A couple of times I broke my fast at dinner...not because of other plans, but because of pure hunger.  There was one time I remember when we technically finished our Friday fast and broke it with a snack at midnight...that just doesn't seem very holy...it was like I was counting down the minutes til I could eat.  And another problem developed...as I got used to fasting, it became easier...almost too easy sometimes.  Every now and then I would realize that half the day had passed with little intentional prayer.

Fasting was far from a "spiritual high" kind of experience.  There have been times when I've been discouraged by the prayers that seem to go unanswered.  I've wondered if fasting matters...does it make any difference?  I've been tempted to quit.

But God has been kind to show me of how He has used the discipline of fasting to teach me...and maybe, just maybe, encourage others.

There have been times when I have felt the Lord prompt me to pray in specific ways for my grieving friend.   As I (hopefully) learned to more easily recognize the leading of the Holy Spirit, God has brought others to mind and I find myself interceding in prayer for others more.  A few times, I have found myself thinking about seemingly random people (friends I haven't been in touch with for years and old co-workers) and felt prompted to pray for them.  A few times I have let friends know that they are on the "fasting prayer list"...I pray it was encouraging to them.  

On one hand, fasting for just a day, is not that big a deal.  I have a friend (a few actually) who fasted for an entire week for a specific purpose.  I know of other friends who tackle 3 and 4 day fasts when God leads them to do so.  

But on the other hand, God has used this regular discipline of fasting once a week to change how I pray for others.  He has caused me to intercede more and to listen for His prompting more closely.

It has been a journey...a journey of learning more about prayer and loving others through prayer.  It has opened me up more to the needs of others and it has been an honor to care for people in this way.

I don't know when I'll stop the Friday fasts...I'm open to continuing and right now that seems to be what I perceive from the Lord, but I also don't feel like I have to fast.  I know my Lord doesn't love me more or less based on my fasting "performance"...thank you, Jesus!  I know I don't earn any special favor or bonus points by fasting.

But God has grown me through this experience...and that is a wonderful thing~

Praying you continue to grow in your walk with the Lord~

Rach

Elijah's Story~

My son would have turned 13 today.

How can that be?

How have 13 years passed since Elijah was born...and died. 

Time has reduced the rawness of the wound and the grief comes more gently, but the hurt will never be completely gone.  My heart aches for what could have been and my eyes blur with tears...my mind races with questions and my soul yearns for answers.

But I also have peace...peace that my God is Sovereign, peace that my God is good, peace that my God knows my heart and counts my tears, peace that Elijah is living in heaven, peace that I will know him one day.

King David said this about the death of his infant son...and God chose to record it in the Bible...it gives me much hope.

"I will go to him, but he will not return to me."  2 Samuel 12: 23

Steve and Elijah...in Daddy's arms~

As Elijah's birthday neared, I thought about what I wanted to write.  And I decided to simply tell the story of our son.  

It's long because I wanted to remember and record...join me if you'd like.

Steve and I learned we were pregnant with our first child just a bit before Mother's Day in 2000...we were so excited!  And I had a great beginning of the pregnancy...there were no indications that anything was wrong or there was anything to be concerned about.  

Meanwhile, Steve accepted a job with a company in Boulder, Colorado, so we were planning a move from NC that fall.  With all the busyness of planning a move, I didn't have my 20 week ultrasound until I was 22 weeks, on September 20, 2000.  Sometimes I still wonder if that two week difference could have saved Elijah.

In the morning, Steve and I went to my doctor's office and excitedly got ready for the ultrasound.  My Mom was there too...we wanted her to see her first grandchild :)  

Very quickly into the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong.  The tech doing our scan was all chipper and then got very quiet and then said she needed to get the doctor.  I remember sitting up, trying not to panic and feeling like I was going to be sick.  Steve thought he saw two babies.

The doctor came in and took over doing the ultrasound and explained that our baby's bladder was so full of fluid that it was the size of his head...that's what Steve was seeing...bladders should be small.    

We were immediately sent to a perinatologist.  We arrived at his office and didn't have to wait at all...it was frightening.  Another ultrasound...him explaining what he was observing, referencing medical books, him making calls to doctors, Steve next to me holding my hand...all while I laid there trying to process the torrent of terrible information.

Our baby had a blockage and was not able to completely cycle his fluid and it was all stuck in his bladder.  Being able to cycle the amniotic fluid is very important...breathing in the fluid actually helps lungs develop and the kidneys are also adversely affected when there is a blockage.  Also, there was almost no amniotic fluid in the amniotic sac because it was all trapped in Elijah's body...a baby at Elijah's stage in pregnancy should have had about 500 cc's of fluid, but our son had only about 10 cc's.  He was wrapped up tight instead of floating...this was all very dangerous.

Elijah was diagnosed with Lower Obstructive Uropathy...our doctor also called it Prune Belly Syndrome...and the statistics were horrible.  1 in 30,000 to 40,000 births.  A low survival rate.  Thankfully, the survival rates are somewhat better now.

I had my first of many, many amniocenteses that day.  Our perinatologist, and those he was in contact with, needed to know how our baby's kidneys were doing.  That info would determine if and/or how we could proceed.  And this amnio was extra tricky because they had to get a sample of fluid from Elijah, not "simply" from the sac because there really wasn't any fluid where it should have been.

I think waiting for medical tests is one of the worst things in the world...the worst.

We were told to be prepared to travel because IF anything could be done, it could not be done in NC...we were heading to children's hospitals in either San Francisco, Denver, or Philadelphia because they had specialists who had experience with babies like our Elijah...it all depended on how his kidneys were doing.


Emotionally drained does not even begin to describe how we felt leaving the doctor that day.  I was filled with fear.  I tried to pray, but it was more like desperate pleading wracked by sobbing...fear that soaked into my bones...and then strange times of numb disbelief and even peaceful hope.  


One thing that I do remember very clearly is that first night...after all the tests, the praying, the crying, the fear.  I remember lying in bed late that night, beyond physically and emotionally exhausted yet wondering how I was ever going to sleep and I saw Psalm 86 flash in my mind...I can even still remember the font in the image/vision.  I did not know what was in Psalm 86, so I opened my Bible and read.  

Psalm 86

English Standard Version (ESV)

Great Is Your Steadfast Love

A Prayer of David.

86 Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me,
    for I am poor and needy.
² Preserve my life, for I am godly;
    save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.
³ Be gracious to me, O Lord,
    for to you do I cry all the day.
⁴ Gladden the soul of your servant,
    for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
⁵ For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
⁶ Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
    listen to my plea for grace.
⁷ In the day of my trouble I call upon you,
    for you answer me.

⁸ There is none like you among the gods, O Lord,
    nor are there any works like yours.
⁹ All the nations you have made shall come
    and worship before you, O Lord,
    and shall glorify your name.
¹⁰ For you are great and do wondrous things;
    you alone are God.
¹¹ Teach me your way, O Lord,
    that I may walk in your truth;
    unite my heart to fear your name.
¹² I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
    and I will glorify your name forever.
¹³ For great is your steadfast love toward me;
    you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

¹⁴ O God, insolent men have risen up against me;
    a band of ruthless men seeks my life,
    and they do not set you before them.
¹⁵ But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me;
    give your strength to your servant,
    and save the son of your maidservant.
¹⁷ Show me a sign of your favor,
    that those who hate me may see and be put to shame
    because you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

I'll be honest, I clamped on to verse 16 pretty fiercely, desperately hoping that Elijah would live.  In the years since then, I have read this psalm numerous times...I know God sent it to me in a time of unimaginable need.  Verse 11 is one of my favorites and verse 13...well, it's just so beautiful...God's love is steadfast...even when it feels like your world is crashing.

The test results came back and we learned that Elijah's kidneys were still functioning, but not very well.  The traditional treatment would be to place a shunt from the bladder back into the sac so the bladder could drain and then further treatment when the baby was born.  Shunts can come out and need to be replaced and amniotic fluid is needed in the sac to place a shunt.  The doctors who were advising our perinatologist said there was nothing they could do to help our son because of the low kidney function and lack of fluid.  Dr. Hobbins in Denver recommended we contact a doctor in Florida who was doing some cutting-edge, experimental surgery that was helping babies with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome.

And that is how we met Dr. Ruben Quintero in Tampa, FL.  Dr. Quintero had developed and was using laser surgery to operate on babies while still in the womb.  Most of his patients were twins, but he had operated on 13 other babies with our son's condition.  He was honest, the outcomes were not great...1/2 of those babies had not survived.  But we had no other medical hope for Elijah.  Dr. Quintero continues to save many lives with the treatments he has pioneered.  It was truly an honor to work with him.

We made plans for surgery on October 9, 2000.

But remember, we were also moving and had a house to sell and Steve had a new job to start...it was just a little chaotic.  And to add to the medical and general craziness, my Dad had broken his kneecap, which left his quadricep detached and had to have major reconstructive surgery on his leg right before Elijah's surgery.

Steve flew to Denver and began his new job while I stayed in NC.  I have an aunt and uncle who live in the Denver area so Steve stayed with them...love you Chuck and Amy!  My Mom flew with me to Tampa (that's where Dr. Quintero was practicing at the time...he is now in Miami) and Steve flew from Denver to Tampa to meet us.  Our perinatologist from NC also came to be involved with the surgery.  

The surgery went well and they thought they were able to clear a blockage, but the ultrasound the next day did not look as expected.  We were asked to stay in Tampa for the week to monitor Elijah.  By the following Monday it was obvious that the surgery had not been successful...his bladder was filling up again and the sac was empty of amniotic fluid.  So we had another surgery that day to place a shunt.  They added fluid to the sac, placed the shunt, and the ultrasound the next day was more hopeful.

So on Tuesday, October 17th we finally left Tampa.  My Mom and I flew back to NC while Steve flew back to CO.

I continued preparing to join Steve in CO and on Friday I had an ultrasound with my perinatologist.  It was a bad appointment.  The shunt had already pulled out.  Elijah's bladder had extra fluid in it again.  My amniotic fluid levels were low again...even with the amount he had in his bladder, some was "missing".  It's still a mystery where the fluid went.  But the worst news was that cysts had developed on his kidney's which indicated that his kidneys were failing.  It was scary and distressing and there was not very much to hope for. 

Dr. Quintero called me that night and wanted me to return to FL for one last try.  I was such a mess and Steve was far away.  We decided we needed to be together, so I got on an airplane the next day and flew to CO.  We called Dr. Quintero together and discussed the situation.  

We prayed, we cried, we tried to figure out how to proceed.  It wasn't as easy as "just do another surgery".  Elijah's kidneys were clearly failing and, apart from a miracle, kidneys don't just turn back on.  With each surgery, we increased the risk of me going into labor and Elijah being born too early and too sick for there to be much hope of him surviving.  But if we didn't do anything, was there any chance of him surviving?  And with each surgery, we also risked trauma and damage to my womb and the hope of future children.  

Ultimately, we decided to try one more time.  We felt like we had to do everything we could to give our son a chance at life.  The next day we flew to Tampa.  On Monday, our day started with another ultrasound.  Elijah's kidneys had even more cysts and were no longer functioning.  Medically, there was nothing more that could be done and Elijah's chance of living dropped to 0...0% chance of survival outside of the womb.  How do you process a diagnosis like this?

It was surreal.  I remember Dr. Quintero's soft voice telling us he was sorry.  I remember the dimly lit room and "dotted" kidneys on the screen.  I remember how sad and devastated Steve looked.  Everything moved slowly...and grief clawed at my heart...we were undone.

We left the hospital and went to the airport to catch a flight back to CO...and that is how we started our new lives in a new state.  

My aunt and uncle graciously opened their home to us and we lived with them while we waited for our home in NC to sell.  We quickly began looking for a new church and God kindly connected us with a church pretty quickly.  It was good to be with believers, but we sure did miss our family and church family back in NC...it was a very hard time to move.  

I don't remember where we learned some of the info about what the death of a child can potentially do to a couple, but we did...and we resolved to fight for our friendship and marriage...and our faith.  And God was kind to meet us in the trenches.  Our strengthened faith and marriage is one of the blessings to come out of such tragedy...we praise God for this.

The last trimester of my pregnancy was hard...physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Trying to make new friends when you're obviously pregnant, but having to tell people that your child is dying...well, it just wasn't a good conversation starter.  But I do thank God for those He brought into our lives who didn't shy away...some of those friends are especially treasured :)  It was also hard with some of our friendships back in NC...many, many, many supported us tremendously, but there were some who simply could not handle it and the friendship faded.  And that is how it goes with life...some friendships fade and some grow deeper.

One of the hardest things for me was the "random stranger".  The lady at the coffee shop who asked when I was due.  The new mom at the grocery store who smiled and told me motherhood was great.  The cashier who asked if I was having a boy or a girl.  I usually just smiled and answered their question, saving my tears for later.  I was afraid of depression, so I resisted the desire to stay at home and never go out, to never face people.  One time I actually told the "random stranger" that my baby was dying, that he had a rare condition, that we had had experimental surgery to to try to save him...she looked at me in horror and she simply had no idea what to say...I guess that didn't go so well...maybe it was even unkind of me to tell her...I don't know, sometimes it just got hard to pretend.  I turned back around in the line we were in and desperately tried to hold it together...it's weird because I can remember what I was wearing for that "conversation".

I knew from reading and research that making memories was very important to couples who faced infant death.  I wanted pictures and memories.  Steve and I were updating a growing prayer list via email (this was before Facebook and blogs :) and I kept all the messages sent and received.  I took all those messages and turned them into a scrapbook.  I still wanted Elijah to have a special outfit, so my Mom and I went to a nicer department store when I was in NC for a visit.  I picked out something and was expressing my concern that it wouldn't be warm enough for a baby born in winter when I realized mid sentence that it wouldn't matter anyway...Elijah would not be coming home.  That was a hard purchase...the bubbly clerk helping to wrap up my special purchase.

I had very regular doctor appointments with my new doctors in Boulder.  They were wonderful to work with...so compassionate and encouraging.  They kept close tabs on Elijah and he continued to do okay in utero.  His kidneys continued to develop more cysts.  Medically, the question was when would Elijah die.  Steve and I had to live and make decisions based on the truth that we knew our God could still heal Elijah, but we also understood what the medical prognosis was for our son.  It was a delicate and difficult balancing act.  

At one point, I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore...I just wanted it to all end.  We had been counseled that we could legally terminate the pregnancy..."terminate"...such a sad word to use for a life.  Steve and I knew we would not and could not choose that option, but I did began to pray for Elijah to die...I even asked others to pray for that too.  It seems like such a horrible prayer now.  God did kindly bring me to a place where I quit praying that prayer and, instead, saw Elijah's continued life inside me as a blessing.  But it forever changed how I view abortion.  I still do not support abortion, but I found myself having more compassion for women who find themselves in situations where they feel like they have no other options.  I had the incredible support of my loving husband, of precious family, of dear friends...and I wished my pregnancy would end...what was it like for women who had none of that support and felt like they had no where to turn? 

We still had to prepare for childbirth, but obviously it was not the best option for us to sign up for the next birth class offered by the hospital.  The hospital put us in touch with a social worker who gave us a private birthing class.  She was trained to work with couples like us and she helped us so much to navigate some of the decisions we had to make.  She gave us info on pediatricians (yes, we still needed to decide what pediatrician we would use because he would need to be there when Elijah was born), what funeral home we wanted to work with, what documentation we needed to make sure everyone at Elijah's birth understood the situation.  We had to legally detail Elijah's condition and prognosis and that we did not want any "heroic" efforts.  We knew our time with him would be short and we didn't want someone taking him away and trying all sorts of procedures on him to make him live.  We knew that it was his lack of lung development that would actually take Elijah's life.  He would try to breathe, but wouldn't be able to, so our doctors planned to have medicines ready to help him if he began to struggle.  How do you possibly prepare yourself for watching your child suffocate?

And we had to make a trip to the funeral home.  How does one decide which kind of urn you want for your baby's ashes when you can feel him moving around in your womb?  

We knew we had to plan Elijah's birthday.  Elijah's due date was January 18th, but we chose January 5th as his birthday...I would be 38 weeks pregnant and we had peace about waiting until Elijah was full term.  We knew we had to plan for family who wanted to try to be there and we didn't want to wait until closer to his due date in case I went into labor naturally...family would miss meeting him if that happened. 

That morning was very strange.  We were nervous and we knew what the outcome would be, but we were also looking forward to meeting Elijah.  It was such a mix of emotions.  God bathed us with His peace...the peace and faith we had through the whole experience can only be described as God's grace upon grace poured over us...we didn't muster any of the faith or strength ourselves...thank you, Lord for your care and protection.

Labor was induced and all progressed well.  I endured contractions until I couldn't handle them any longer and then got the blessed epidural...yes, a blessing!  Family members were there.  Friends from our new church were there praying all day.  

Elijah Shawn Gonzales was born at 10:08 pm on January 5th, 2001 in Boulder, Colorado.  He weighed 6 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long.  They put him on my chest and I cradled him.  He made one, small, precious cry.  They cleaned him up, bundled him up, and handed him back to me.  He looked at me with his gray blue eyes, tucked his hand under his chin, and then closed his eyes.  He never opened them again. He very calmly stayed snuggled with me and Steve.  He never struggled to breathe and no medicines were ever necessary...he was so peaceful.  Our family met him, we took pictures with him, an elder from our church prayed over him, we talked to him and told him how much we love him.  I told him not to fight, to go home with God...that we would see him again.  He died in Steve's arms at 11:48 that night...born into God's Kingdom.  

Precious Elijah with Mommy and Daddy~

Family~  From left: Steve (Steve's Dad), Heather (Steve's Mom), Karen (my Mom), me and Steve and Elijah, Brandon (Steve's brother), and Harvey (my Dad)~

Sweet kiss~

Elijah with the blanket my Mom had made for him~

We made as many memories with him as we could.  We got his tiny, sweet foot prints and a bit of his reddish hair and we took pictures.  In the wee hours of the night we knew it was time to say goodbye...there is no way to prepare.  I watched the kind nurse (who had sang over him when she cut a bit of his hair for us) gather him into her arms.  It took all of my control not to grab him back.  A hundred screams welled up, but they only revealed themselves as little sobs.  I watched her walk away with my baby son...the finality of death was crushing.

Steve joined me in the hospital bed and we tried to process the day's events and rest...we were emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.  As we rested, cuddled close in the small bed, Steve suddenly jolted upright.  He told me that he had been praying and had a sense that angels surrounded us.  The presence of the Lord was so strong that Steve thought he might actually get to see one of God's angels...but he didn't...but it was sweet to know the Lord's closeness.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34: 18

Elijah, we love you~

I think I'll stop there.  If you read this entire post, then you should get an award :)  

Many blessings~
Rach