I had spent hours wrestling between crying, trying to sleep, praying, trying to get comfortable, begging for mercy...needing to flee from the darkness that threatened to suffocate me...yet only able to lie awake while I felt my baby move around inside me.
I was almost 28 weeks pregnant.
With a son.
Who was dying.
And I wanted my pregnancy to end.
Steve and I knew the medical prognosis for our son, Elijah, was zero chance of life outside of the womb. Elijah and I had undergone two in utero surgeries to try to save him. Steve and I had recently returned to CO from our surgeon in FL where we had gone to try for a third surgery to save our son, but we weren't able to have that surgery after all. Our surgeon discovered that Elijah's kidneys had completely failed and there was nothing more (medically) that could be done for him. (You can read more about Elijah here.)
But before they could release us, our doctor was legally required to counsel us that we could choose to end the pregnancy...to have an abortion. It was the strangest thing. We had tried so hard to save our son and now this doctor, who had already done two surgeries to try to save our son, was required to counsel us of our option to "terminate the pregnancy". He himself does not perform abortions and the hospital that had cared for us does not perform abortions...I was thankful for that. Steve and I even had to sign paperwork that stated we were aware of our "right" to an abortion, that we had been properly counseled.
The thought of killing Elijah horrified both Steve and I...there was no way we could ever choose that for our son or ourselves.
Yet here I was, in the middle of the night, wishing my pregnancy would end...begging God to not make me finish this pregnancy knowing the outcome. Our son would not live, could not live outside of me.
And as I lay there with tears trickling down my cheek, I understood abortion differently. I had always believed that abortion was the taking of a precious life...I knew it deep in my soul...a precious life. That belief did not change.
But I also understood deeply that abortion was a decision made out of hopelessness. A decision made in the middle of circumstances that looked and felt dark. A decision made because fear was speaking and despair was strangling.
I was not an unwed woman. I was not a victim of rape or incest. I was not a teenager whose parents would be disappointed or angry. I was not being pressured by my boyfriend who didn't want a baby.
I was a married woman who had tremendous support from her husband...a husband who was as devastated as me. I was a woman who wanted to be a mother. I was a woman who had the loving support of family and friends. I was a woman who believed in the Lord and His sovereign, mysterious ways.
Yet, I understood what it was like to want a pregnancy to end...to want my pregnancy to end.
And God forever changed my perspective on abortion that night. I do grieve for the babies. We should all grieve for the babies.
But I also grieve for the women who made a drastic choice when they were searching for an answer. I grieve for the girls who were hurt and turned to a tragic outcome thinking it would bring peace. I grieve for the women who thought they had a solution to a problem they didn't want to face. I grieve for the women whose abortions haunt them.
I grieve for the women who believed the lie whispered by fear.
I carried our precious son for another 10 weeks...he was born on January 5, 2001. He lived for 100 minutes. We held him, prayed over him, cried over him, sang to him...all he ever knew was our love and then the Lord's presence. I shudder to think what we would have lost if we had chosen differently. God gave us strength to face our "crisis pregnancy" and He gave us 100 minutes of memories with our Elijah...I am so very, deeply, forever grateful.
 |
| Elijah in Daddy's arms~ |
Thank you Lord for changing my perspective that dark night, for growing compassion in my heart, and for giving us your strength~
Many blessings~
Rach