Yes, that's right...Gracia Kathryn is now a 1 year old...her birthday was May 25th :)
Seriously, how did that happen. It often seems like time is slipping through my fingers, but this past year has just flown by.
Not that we've been busy or anything...ya know, Steve finishing his PhD, selling our home, moving to Texas...
...but it really does not seem very long ago that Baby Gray was so little and new...and I turned around and now she's walking across the kitchen...carrying her sippy cup and babbling away in her sweet voice :)
So, here are some thoughts for you, sweet Gracia on your first birthday...and pictures, of course...lots of pictures...what a treat to watch you grow :)
Gracia, you are a treasure and a blessing! You are so fun and have completely changed our family...for the better :) Sometimes I look at you and almost can't believe you are here...living, laughing, loving...you, my baby girl, are precious and I am overcome and undone by God's gift of you.
I am overcome and undone as I watch your sisters play with you and care for you...you have brought out a softness in them that is beautiful.
I am overcome and undone when I see how much delight you bring to your Daddy.
I like to call you "Daddy's Good Idea"...
...because, in all honesty Gracia, I wasn't sure about having another baby.
There it is, the confession~
It wasn't that I didn't want another sweet babe...actually, for years I had wanted more children, but it didn't seem that was part of "the plan". Daddy was in graduate school, we lived on a less-than-shoestring budget, and your sisters were getting older...along with Daddy and me. Daddy and I had many, many conversations about more kids...it just didn't seem like it was going to happen. I spent much time praying for my heart to be okay with not having more babies...it took years for me to reach a place of contentment.
And one day, I realized I was content with our family just they way we were. I knew I was letting go of a desire, a dream...but God was caring for my heart and I was content.
But I didn't get to stay there very long.
Soon after I reached this peaceful place of contentment concerning our family, your Daddy shared with me that he felt like he wanted another baby. God had been working on his heart and had changed it so that he knew he wanted another baby. Can you imagine my surprise?
But instead of being excited, I was actually kind of scared. I was 39 years old...advanced maternal age is the phrase that kept echoing through my head. "They" all say bad things start to happen when older women have babies. Your Daddy and I had already lost your brother...and that was when we were young and healthy and things weren't supposed to go wrong...what might happen now that I was older? Pregnancies have been hard on my body as far as weight gain. I was finally in a much healthier place with my eating and exercising...what would happen if I got pregnant? And, let's remember, I had no health insurance...would Samaritan Ministries really work for something like a pregnancy? Bella was 8 and Sophia was 5...I had never wanted such a big gap between kids. We were well beyond the "baby years" and even beyond the "toddler years"...would it be hard to go back? I even worried about if our car was big enough for another car seat and where we'd fit another child in our little cape cod home.
And through all my questions and concerns, your Daddy simply had faith.
One night, I tackled my fear of advanced maternal age and did some research to see how risky it really was to have a baby at 40. Yes, risks increased and some of those risks are very concerning, but they are still not actually that high. I felt relief...and God encouraged me to keep my eyes on him, not on stats. I knew I couldn't rely on stats to determine if we should pursue another baby...but God did use them to help me process this decision. Would I trust God...I realized that even if things were not necessarily fine and healthy by our society's standards, would I trust that our Lord had a plan and He would be with us no matter what? Hadn't he guided, held, and loved us through a crisis pregnancy before...would I trust Him now? And isn't life, all babies, a blessing and a miracle...isn't it our society that puts standards and expectations on perfection...standards that are different from my Lord's. Yes, I wanted to trust God and follow Him wherever He was leading. I was still afraid, but fear will not control me...it may rear it's ugly head, but, by the power of Jesus, it will not control me.
I even measured the backseat of our car...yes, a baby seat would fit...check that concern off the list :) How amazing that we even had that car...our community group in PA helped us buy it and now you would fit. We simply had no money to even consider another car, so you fitting in the one we had was a big deal...a very big deal. I know it may sound crazy, but the gift of Pearl, our Honda, helped me with the decision to have another baby...friends in PA, I hope you're reading this :)
How about my health? Well, believe it or not...while I'm not as thin as I used to be, I was pretty healthy and making progress with my weight too. I was stronger and all my blood work numbers were very good and low. I vowed that if I got pregnant I would continue working out as much as I could. And, by the grace of God, I did. I was not always able to go "full speed" in my classes, and there were times I was so exhausted I was just happy to be able to walk the track...but I continued with Body Pump til I was 7 months pregnant...had to stop when I could no longer comfortably lay on the floor to do some of my chest and arm work. And I continued spinning til I was 8 months pregnant...although, sometimes it seemed like I was enjoying a leisurely "Sunday ride" while the rest of the class was training for the Olympics :) But the point is that I had my healthiest pregnancy...and my easiest delivery...and I'm sure it's because God was kind and we worked out, you and me :)
That whole "no health insurance" thing ended up being a blessing in disguise. Being a member of Samaritan Ministries worked beautifully while I was pregnant with you. (Samaritan Ministries is a health care co-op made up of thousands of Christians. It was pretty wonderful how well it worked and ministered to Steve and I during my pregnancy.)
So many of the things I was concerned about, worried over, or was downright afraid of seemed to be floating away. God was replacing them with thoughts of you...with the blessing of you, the gift of you, the desire for you.
And then, pretty quickly, a test revealed that you were here...and God melted my fears and grew my love. Yes, I was still a bit shocked, but my fear was replaced by hope.
Sharing the news of you was a bit...well...interesting. I was excited and worried...what would people think? What would our parents think? Were we crazy? Your big sister, Sophia, told Oma and Opa...I thought they would take the news better coming from her :) I think we really surprised them...I think we surprised everybody :)
But Gracia, even though you may have surprised a lot of people, you did not surprise Daddy and me...and you certainly did not surprise our Lord...He knew you before we even did :)
"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139: 16
Gracia, you are a beautiful blessing. You fit so perfectly into our family! One evening when you were just days old, we all went to Target. Our sweet family of 5 was in the elevator, of all places, when God flooded me with understanding about our family. I was standing in the corner, watching your big sisters goofing around and Daddy laughing with them and then asking you what you thought of their funny antics when I fully realized that we had been missing you for years...but I wasn't able to understand what we were missing until you were here. It was a wonderful, powerful moment and I soaked it in as it played out in slow motion before me. We were complete...we are so thankful.
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"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139: 14
Sweet baby girl, thank you for all the love and joy you have added to our family. Dear Lord, thank you for this precious babe.
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My Lord, thank you cannot express what my heart knows...thank you for Steve's heart for our family and his faith. Thank you for growing my faith to trust you and follow you where you were leading. Thank you for the gift of Gracia Kathryn~
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| Gonzales, party of 5 :) |
And anyone who read this whole thing...thanks...you should get a reward :)
Happy Birthday, sweet Baby Gray...we love celebrating you!
My heart is forever changed,
Mommy
